I am currently most proud of myself for having made it this far...I can actually see my words about to be sent into cyberspace in an exciting new format. I made the decision on this rainy Sunday, to find a new home for my thoughts and rantings, and so here I am.
"I must express", is my mantra and always has been I guess. Even journaling thoughts and imaginations in multi-colored notebooks of various shapes and sizes, as a child and young adult. Mostly for my own review and sometimes for teachers who would appreciate the small girl with big thoughts. Always needing an outlet for the alter ego inside, who felt her destiny was to be read and understood by many. Absorbing many authors and styles along the way, with a voracious appetite for understanding the human experience. I was the Bookmobile addict during Summer break. Looking for any escape from a less than perfect environment and eager to find insights that made me hungry and would help to mold the massive intellect that was my fate. Given more than the usual challenges academically after being designated as above average; but not content with being made to conform to any structured curriculum. I found solace originally, in personal libraries of parents whose children I babysat.. As their selections were always more ecclectic than the local librarians offerings. I found my way to all sorts of interesting topics of the times through their more adult journeys. From Carl Jung and Jack Kerouac to Henry Miller and Sylvia Plath. It was the tumultuous sixties and all the winds of change that were beginning to take form. I witnessed the Beat generation's last dance of coffehouse poetics, while observing my best friend's brother and his friends as they tried desperately to hold onto what they had foraged as a "new frontier". Doomed to be pushed aside, by the new presence of a band from across the ocean, who invaded all our lives on a holy Sunday Ed Sullivan show. Barely leaving a trace of the Beatnik Generation in their wake, except for the Smothers Brothers who survived and melded into the new foray. Finding a way to still sing the tribal songs of folksters, while showcasing the abundant new wave of the British Invasion, and the likes of Jim Morrison & The Doors, and Janis Joplin. These would become my new authors of choice, with words that mirrored their lives and the times. Finding freedom in the call of all those who set free all the children of the sixties. Seducing us to abandon all conformity and find ourselves. And so we did. Leaving the nest of parental controls and embracing the excitement of a movement that swallowed me whole. Finding more opportunities to share thoughts with those of like mind on the way, and reveling in acknowledgement of power in numbers. Re-writing history to suit our present day needs. Protesting a war that would take those we cared for and spit them out either dead or less than whole. Embracing the philosphers of ancient times for their wisdoms and following the new pied pipers as well. For a hungry minded girl, it was quite a heady time. Watching Kent State students killed for protesting and sick of the rhetoric of those who were twice our age or more. Realizing we were old enough to be recruited to die; but not old enough to vote for our demands. Add the mix of enticement to feed your head with mind altering substances, and a brave new world was born. We didn't have the internet to bring us together; but we had the mecca of California for all those seeking gold. And so I came and saw and conquered a life that was full of freedom and new experiences. However; the beauty and abandon of youth does not last for any, I must say though, that I had a longer single and free existance than most, and the places I experienced and the people I knew, were most exotic for this midwestern girl from "Naptown". The name given affectionately back then to my hometown of Indianapolis. I found ways to extend my youth and traveling fever till age 29. When all of a sudden my biological clock ticked louder than my lust for new places. I married the wrong man in the deal and had the right daughter for it. Taking on the sole responsibility of parenthood after only a couple of years of denial of my poor choice for a partner. Now I was for the first time responsible for more than my own soul's yearnings. Now I must make this new life I brought into being my first priority. Struggling with a career as a hair & makeup artist that had afforded me freedom; but now was not compatible with the schedule of a young child. Looking for the security and stability I needed, I reverted to a previous affinity for the caring of others. I took on an entry level position in a hospital and went to school at night for Nursing. I also worked part time cleaning a friend's home who was a successful music promoter on Saturdays. All the while making the role of mother to my child the best of who I was, the best I could. I raised my daughter alone and with the interaction of some great friends as well as my parents. Chose to become a Cardiac Ultrasound professional over Nursing. Found a way to make a good living and in a most rewarding way, and I still choose this as my day to day existance and without regret.
My daughter is now grown and growing into her own life. When she moved out and I felt she needed to try her own wings, I let my itchy feet have their well deserved reward. I had promised myself after so many years tied to my hometown again and adoring grandparents who deserved to have the only grandchild as often as they liked; that I would flee the winters that had left me cold and find solace in a warmer climate. I spent almost two years in Myrtle Beach and lived an enjoyable lifestyle in another place I had never seen. But even with milder temperatures and no snow, my hungry soul pleaded for another adventure. With all it's beauty the sadness of the elusive personal relationship I desired, was still as elusive as when I was a struggling parent. I decided to give it up and found a new opportunity handed to me, that had promise of adventure and possibly even a safe haven for someone who had committed herself to the convent, after deciding what was available might never live up to her expectations.
All at once, I was on my way to Boston of all places. Deleting my possessions to only that which would fit in my Toyota, and taking on a totally new career as a Nanny. There were two desperate and busy doctors who were friends of a doctor friend, who needed a fulltime caretaker for their one small 5 year old son. How difficult could it be? I had been a mother and considered myself successful in that realm. I was mature, loving, fun, intelligent. Why couldn't I make a difference for this young boy and his family? A family that presented me with my own private quarters in their home for the deal and even the incentive of saving a nice nest egg for my efforts. I even envisioned so much extra time for myself, that maybe I could finally give my writing hobby more attention finally. In the end, my journey had it's own story to write. Just when I thought the woman in me had barricaded herself in a tower where no man could find her, I was to finally find the most fulfilling companion I could ever imagine.
So the segway here, is that the Nanny job turned out to be a prison and not at all what I had hoped would bring me personal satisfaction. But the new companion had a stronger and more lasting effect than I could have ever dreamed possible. He is tied to Boston with family obligations and now I am tied to him with a heart that just won't let go. So I am back doing what I do best. Giving my all to the patients and doctors I service with my skills and experience. Rewarded everyday with knowing I impact lives in a most positive way professionally and personally with all that I am, and all that I have brought with me from previous journeys. Thankful always for such an astounding experience as witnessing the intricate workings of the human heart. And still wanting to touch hearts in my reach and beyond. That is what brings me to you today. And if I touch something inside you that lights up for my efforts, than I am right where I am supposed to be.
Expect the unexpected. Embrace the passion that would make these words appear. Leave a bit of yourself if so inclined or inspired. I must express when the loud siren inside me wails. In the end, my hope is that we all benefit.
Invisible may be my M.O. but I promise my thoughts are full of colors to still be named.
Sincere thanks for stopping by,
I promise much more for your initial efforts!